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In the final act of the “Barbie” movie, when the Kens have taken over Barbieland and Barbie has lost hope, America Ferrera — playing Gloria, a working mom visiting from the real world — gives a rousing speech that has been the <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2024/01/01/movies/america-ferrera-barbie.html#:~:text=one%20of%20the%20most%20talked%2Dabout%20movie%20moments%20of%202023" target=_blank>subject of so much discussion</a>, we might as well call it The Speech.

The Speech articulates the ridiculous, conflicting standards that women are expected to meet: physically, professionally, socially and emotionally (“always be grateful”). When one of the Barbies who hears The Speech wakes from her empty-headed submissiveness as if from a dream, Barbie marvels aloud to Gloria: “By giving voice to the cognitive dissonance required to be a woman under the patriarchy, you robbed it of its power.”

What follows is a troops-into-battle montage in which Gloria treats each Barbie to one-on-one consciousness-raising, and, one by one, they realize the patriarchy is bad.

I saw “Barbie” in my living room, but my daughter saw it with a movie-theater audience who cheered at the end of The Speech. So did the audience at the <a href="https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2023/07/america-ferrera-barbie-monologue-30-to-50-times#:~:text=broke%20out%20into%20cheers" target="_blank">Los Angeles premiere</a> — the first of <a href="https://people.com/read-the-powerful-barbie-monologue-about-being-a-woman-that-america-ferrera-performed-30-to-50-times-7565806#:~:text=that%20has%20some%20audiences%20applauding." target="_blank">many audiences</a>. The Speech has attracted think-piece raves and social media love. People have called it “<a href="https://people.com/read-the-powerful-barbie-monologue-about-being-a-woman-that-america-ferrera-performed-30-to-50-times-7565806" target="_blank">powerful</a>,” “cathartic,” “<a href="https://screencraft.org/blog/america-ferreras-glorious-barbie-monologue-explained/" target="_blank">glorious</a>,” “empowering.”

I get it. There’s not a feeling it expresses about the frustrating demands of being female that I haven’t felt. But for a monologue that supposedly inspires a revolt against the patriarchy, The Speech is curiously devoid of politics.

In context, this makes sense. Despite the dichotomy the movie establishes between the real world and Barbieland, both places exist within “Barbie”-land — that is, the candy-colored fantasy world of the movie. It’s a world in which the men in charge are easily outrun and outsmarted, Barbie instantly replies to a slap on the butt with a punch in the face, and the patriarchy manifests itself as indignities and irritations: stares, catcalls, mansplaining and four solid hours of a <a href="https://www.tiktok.com/@lalalandmusic5/video/7288110674775985441?is_from_webapp=1&sender_device=pc&web_id=7230846090104309294" target=_blank>Matchbox Twenty song</a>.

Gloria’s speech suits this world perfectly: Like a fight scene without pain or a human without genitalia, it is a feminist complaint without teeth.

But for our world? The real real one? It’s not enough. I like to think that Barbie is right: Naming the problem can break the spell. As a writer, I have to believe this is at least the first step. So with the Oscars — and the election — ahead of us, I’ve written an adaptation of The Speech, inspired by (and sometimes quoting) the one written by Greta Gerwig and Noah Baumbach.

May the next scene in the real world be a troops-into-battle montage that ends when we get our reproductive rights back. I’ll begin as Gloria did:

“It is literally impossible to be a woman.”  You can vote, and you can own property, and mostly you are equal to men in the eyes of the law, and it kills me that you still don’t have equal power.

“You have to be thin,” or else you will actually <a href="https://www.axios.com/2023/07/29/weight-stigma-discrimination-work" target="_blank">be paid less</a>, and if you’re not thin, then you have to try to be thin, no matter that trying to be thin kills <a href="https://www.eatingrecoverycenter.com/blog/eating-disorder-statistics#eating-disorder-statistics" target="_blank">thousands of girls and women</a> every year.

“You have to stay pretty for men,” but if you are pretty and you get raped — <a href="https://www.nsvrc.org/statistics#:~:text=One%20in%20five%20women%20in%20the%20United%20States%20experienced%20completed%20or%20attempted%20rape%20during%20their%20lifetime." target=_blank>1 in 5 American women</a> are victims of rape or attempted rape at some point in their lives — then it was probably your fault. If you’re not pretty, then it couldn’t have been rape, because <a href="https://www.voanews.com/a/jury-begins-deliberations-in-trump-sexual-assault-defamation-case-/7458971.html#:~:text=Carroll%20testified%20last%20week%2C%20%22It%20means%20I%27m%20too%20ugly%20to%20assault.%22" target=_blank>who would even want you</a>? But it was rape, of course. And if that rape results in a pregnancy, your state might <a href="https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/study-counts-64000-pregnancies-from-rape-in-states-that-enacted-abortion-bans-post-roe#:~:text=But%20since%20the%20Supreme%20Court,pregnancies%20in%20areas%20with%20bans." target=_blank>compel you to carry that baby</a> to term, using your body again without your consent.

And if you want to have sex but don’t want to be pregnant? You’d better check with your elected representatives first. The legislatures with <a href="https://cawp.rutgers.edu/facts/levels-office/state-legislature/women-state-legislatures-2024#:~:text=Bottom%2010%20States,North%20Dakota%20(24.8%25)" target=_blank>the most men in charge</a> are almost always the ones <a href="https://states.guttmacher.org/policies/north-dakota/abortion-policies" target=_blank>that will force you to give birth</a>.

“You’re supposed to love being a mother,” so if you do want to have children, great! Everyone’s all for it — if you’re White and married — but you’re taking quite a risk in a country with <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/28/health/pregnancy-childbirth-deaths.html" target="_blank">the highest maternal mortality rate in the industrialized world</a>. If <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/28/health/pregnancy-childbirth-deaths.html#:~:text=two%20to%20three%20times%20higher%20than%20those%20for%20white%20women." target="_blank">you’re Black or Native American</a>, giving birth is <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/health/2023/03/16/us-maternal-mortality-climbs-dramatically-during-pandemic-study-finds/" target="_blank">twice or three times as dangerous</a>. Make it through giving birth alive, and congratulations: There’s <a href="https://www.americanprogress.org/article/the-state-of-paid-family-and-medical-leave-in-the-u-s-in-2024/#:~:text=Regarding%20paid%20family%20leave%2C%20Bureau%20of%20Labor%20Statistics%20data%20show%20that%20only%20about%201%20in%204%20employees%20(27%20percent)%20in%20the%20private%20sector%20workforce%20have%20access%20to%20paid%20family%20leave.%20Nearly%203%20in%204%20(73%20percent)%20private%20sector%20employees%20do%20not%20have%20access%20to%20paid%20family%20leave.8" target="_blank">probably no paid maternity leave</a> and definitely <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/06/upshot/child-care-biden.html#:~:text=But%20governments%20still%20pay%20a,care%20for%20low%2Dincome%20families." target="_blank">no universal child care or preschool</a>, so you either have to pay for someone else to watch your child or stop working. Yes, you. <a href="https://info.umkc.edu/womenc/2022/03/09/the-gender-gap-in-caregiving-and-why-women-carry-it/" target="_blank">Chances are</a> it won’t be your husband quitting his job.

But still, you’re supposed to want to be married, even though having a husband probably means you’ll <a href="https://www.cbsnews.com/philadelphia/news/study-husbands-create-hours-of-extra-housework-each-week/" target="_blank">have more work</a> and your husband will enjoy <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/#:~:text=Even%20when%20earnings%20are%20similar%2C%20husbands%20spend%20more%20time%20on%20paid%20work%20and%20leisure%2C%20while%20wives%20devote%20more%20time%20to%20caregiving%20and%20housework" target="_blank">more leisure time</a> than you, which might be why <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2024/02/28/lyz-lenz-this-american-ex-wife-divorce/?itid=sf_opinions_guest-opinions_p007_f004" target="_blank">most divorces are instigated by women</a>. This is very selfish of you, putting your needs first — don’t you know <a href="https://fortune.com/2023/01/13/why-are-married-men-healthier-on-average-women-gender-research/" target="_blank">marriage makes men healthier</a>? — so conservative politicians are <a href="https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/09/no-fault-divorce-laws-republicans-repeal/675371/?utm_source=substack&amp;utm_medium=email" target="_blank">trying to make it harder</a> to divorce.

“You have to be a boss,” and you’ve been told women can do anything. So you work hard at school — <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/07/opinion/sunday/girls-school-confidence.html#:~:text=From%20elementary%20school%20through%20college%2C%20girls%20are%20more%20disciplined%20about%20their%20schoolwork%20than%20boys%3B%20they%20study%20harder%20and%20get%20better%20grades.%20Girls%20consistently%20outperform%20boys%20academically.%20And%20yet%2C%20men%20nonetheless%20hold%20a%20staggering%2095%20percent%20of%20the%20top%20positions%20in%20the%20largest%20public%20companies." target=_blank>harder than boys</a> — but somehow women still earn just <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/03/01/gender-pay-gap-facts/" target=_blank>four-fifths</a> of what men earn, and Black women earn just <a href="https://www.aauw.org/resources/article/black-women-and-the-pay-gap/#:~:text=Black%20women%20were%20paid%2064%25%20of%20what%20non%2DHispanic%20white%20men%20were%20paid%20in%202021.%20Like%20Latinas%20and%20Native%20women%2C%20Black%20women%20experience%20a%20substantially%20wider%20pay%20gap%20than%20all%20women%20due%20to%20the%20compounded%20effect%20of%20racism%20and%20sexism." target=_blank>two-thirds</a> of what White men do. The Fortune 500 boasts <a href="https://www.shrm.org/executive-network/insights/women-run-10-fortune-500-companies-first-time#:~:text=Now%2C%20for%20the%20first%20time,over%20the%20long%2Dawaited%20threshold." target=_blank>only 50 or so female CEOs</a>, <a href="https://fortune.com/2023/10/03/fortune-500-black-female-ceo-toni-townes-whitley-thasunda-brown-duckett/#:~:text=The%20Fortune%20500%20adds%20a%20second%20Black%20woman%20CEO%20in%20SAIC%E2%80%99s%20Toni%20Townes%2DWhitley" target=_blank>two of whom are Black</a>. Just <a href="https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2023/01/03/118th-congress-has-a-record-number-of-women/" target=_blank>28 percent of Congress members</a> are women (a record high), and there has never been a female president. When we proposed the most absurdly well-qualified woman for the job, we heard (and some of us even said): But is she likable?

“You have to answer for men’s bad behavior,” or at least endure it on the job, where especially women of color making low wages are <a href="https://www.aclu.org/news/womens-rights/who-highest-risk-sexual-harassment" target="_blank">routinely sexually harassed and assaulted</a>. We did start holding men accountable, and we did <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2022/10/16/metoo-men-what-happened/" target="_blank">bring down a few villains</a>, but you could almost hear the countdown, three-two-one, and then the complaints started coming about <a href="https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/05/opinion/golden-globes-metoo.html#:~:text=a%20series%20of%20ad%20hoc%20and%20sometimes%20unproven%20accusations." target="_blank">women being vindictive</a> and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/wonk/wp/2018/04/04/men-are-concerned-about-what-metoo-is-doing-to-men-at-work/" target="_blank">men losing the freedom to tell a joke</a>.

“I’m just so tired” of being asked <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/2023/07/10/christine-emba-masculinity-new-model/" target=_blank>to feel sorry for men</a>, when it’s women who are <a href="https://med.emory.edu/departments/psychiatry/nia/resources/domestic_violence.html" target=_blank>dying at the hands of husbands and boyfriends</a>, it’s women who work harder in worse jobs for less money, it’s women — not the men we have sex with — who might have to pay for sex with our futures, and it’s our bodies and our labor that are used to fill the holes in the social safety net. No child care? No elder care? Lousy health care? Don’t worry, women will take care of it.

“And if all of that” is true, and we don’t do anything about it other than cheering for “Barbie” to get her Dreamhouse back, “then I don’t even know.”

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Dartmouth College, bachelor's in comparative literature

Kate Cohen, a Washington Post contributing columnist, is the author of "We of Little Faith."

Kate Cohen

Howard University, BA in Broadcast Journalism

Charla Freeland is an audio producer for The Washington Post. She was previously a producer for WAMU's 1A and SiriusXM’s nonpartisan political news channel, POTUS. 

Charla Freeland

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