I don’t know how to buy gifts! As far as love languages go, “gift” is a set of incomprehensible runes to me. The harder I try, the worse the gift.
Opinion Last-minute gifts for people you dislike. Don’t thank me!
December 22, 2023 at 1:51 p.m. EST
Tesla Cybertruck: Is there someone on your list about whose safety you are, at best, indifferent? Consider getting them a Tesla Cybertruck! It looks like the box a normal truck comes in, but it is actually itself the truck? It is bad to look at and there’s a chance it will have to get rescued by another truck!
George Santos Cameo: Give this year’s ultimate gift: the knowledge that, for joke reasons, you gave both money and attention to former congressman George Santos! Oh, no. I’m doing it right now!
Donation to Ron DeSantis’s Never Back Down super PAC: Do you want to light a bunch of money on fire in a way that, ironically, does not really benefit Ron DeSantis? This is a great gift if you know somebody who wants to feel as if they have benefited Ron DeSantis, but you want to make sure that doesn’t happen!
What a specific scenario! This gift guide is going poorly.
Pre-worn clothes from Kyrsten Sinema: Last I checked, she had a very solid star rating on Facebook Marketplace! (If you know someone for whom this would be a perfect gift, I am sorry.)
X subscription: Buy the badge that signals to people on the internet that you are voluntarily paying for access to X, a worse Twitter full of hate speech, death threats and conspiracy theories! This badge lets people know that this person and their money are soon parted!
George W. Bush painting of Henry Kissinger: For some people, gifts are easy to buy. For others, there is the painting that George W. Bush did of Henry Kissinger. Look, somebody who would receive George W. Bush’s painting of Henry Kissinger and say, “Oh, you know me so well! This is just what I wanted” would not be happy with soap or a candle or anything else like that, I am pretty sure.
Hunter Biden painting: Know anyone you want to get caught up in a congressional investigation? Buy them a Hunter Biden painting! Better yet, buy it in their name and don’t tell them it’s by Hunter Biden. Let this be a fun surprise for the investigators to reveal.
Four gold bars and several envelopes of cash: Stuff these into the lining of a coat, and they’ll make the perfect gift for the Bob Menendez cosplayer in your life.
A day of falconry with Robert Kennedy: This is a real experience that is actually being made available to people and is probably not lethal. That’s probably about the highest recommendation I can give it. Give someone on your list a gift that says, “When I heard RFK Jr. is offering the chance to go falconing with him, or have an equivalent indoor experience, you immediately sprang to mind!” A gift that is also an insult.
Sponsor an RV in your friend’s name: Clarence Thomas is always on the market for a new RV, and what better gift than an RV sponsored in your friend’s name? This is way better than rescuing an endangered species and could help determine who gets to be the next president!
“Mein Kampf”: No, sorry, there is one inviolable rule of holiday gift guides and it runs as follows: You should not, under any circumstances, include “Mein Kampf” in your holiday gift guide. Not even if it’s specifically for Donald Trump, who made a big point of saying, just days before Christmas, that he hadn’t read it. Not even if you think, based on what he’s been saying lately, that he would enjoy it. Especially not then, in fact. The only thing worse than regular Donald Trump is Donald Trump who has been actively reading “Mein Kampf.” I don’t at all like that we’ve reached the point as a country where “Major Party’s Likely Nominee Says He Didn’t Read ‘Mein Kampf,’ Just Came Up With Same Ideas on His Own!” is a realistic headline. I am just joking about it because it makes me nervous! Please don’t buy anyone “Mein Kampf.”
Bored Ape NFT: No guide to Bad Gifts for People You Dislike would be complete without a Bored Ape! Oh, never mind, these have been stolen I guess. No, never mind, they’re back! Yeah! Get the gift that says, “I don’t understand what makes an item valuable, and my taste in art is bad!”
