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“God is sending America strong signs to tell us to repent. Earthquakes and eclipses and many more things to come. I pray that our country listens.” — Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Ga.) <a href="https://x.com/mtgreenee/status/1776282144416972941" target=_blank>on X.</a>

Chaos! Omens! Signs! Portents! The earth quakes and the moon blots out the sun! Something is seriously awry in the country. Clearly, someone is trying to warn us of something. Clearly, we have angered God!

I am not saying, “Clearly we have angered God!" in the sense that I genuinely don’t understand science and as a consequence everything in the world frightens me, like a little baby who is not sure the sun will come back ever again. I am a member of Congress. I know that the sun will come back, because we passed a law about <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2022/03/18/daylight-saving-time-history-debate/" target="_blank" class="contextual_link">daylight saving time</a> and now the sun is obligated to us.

I don’t know why more people are not more terrified of the signs.

Everywhere I look, big red ones saying “STOP,” placed in the streets, almost as if coordinated. Sometimes, when I try to cross the road, a red hand flashes in the air, along with mysterious numbers. A countdown. But to what? Then the illuminated white figure of a man appears, and the cars, in concert, stop.

The other day, a liquid fell from the sky. Wet, like tears. But cold, not quite like tears. It was frightening, as though the sky was weeping. And then there was a rumbling sound, like God’s Harley Davidson motorcycle was starting up, or God was unfurling a really heavy flag. What did it mean? And sometimes there are little things in the sky that look like chemtrails, but fluffier. Who put them there and why?

Sometimes, the rivers rise. Sometimes, I see a duck for no good reason. I have never done anything wrong in my life, but others have. Maybe Speaker Mike Johnson (R-La.). Maybe others. We must outlaw everything to be safe.

The Earth is changing in terrifying ways and we have got to act differently, but not along the lines of speeding the transition to renewable energy. I mean in the way of, maybe we should sacrifice a goat. I am a rational woman of faith, and I think maybe we should pray hard on Monday so the moon will release the sun and not eat it.

But while we are at it, let’s examine this double standard! When the air fills with smoke and the temperature rises, you say it’s good science to say, “The scary thing that the Earth is doing right now is because mankind did something wrong,” but I say that the eclipse and the earthquake are because of sins one time and suddenly I “don’t understand basic science”?

Yes, God is punishing us. It used to be you could walk all the way across the comfortable flat of the Earth and the sun would rise and set in an orderly way. Now, the Earth is a ball hurtling through the vacuum of space. Now, we have WiFi, but should we?

Clearly, someone is upset. But fortunately, I understand what’s going on. The signs tell me everything.

National Press Club Angele Gingras Award for Humor Writing 2016, Shorty Award 2016, Forbes 30 Under 30, Fifty Funniest People Right Now (Rolling Stone)

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Harvard College, BA in English, Classics Secondary Field

Alexandra Petri is a Washington Post columnist offering a lighter take on the news and opinions of the day. She is the author of <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Alexandra-Petris-History-Important-Documents/dp/1324006439/">"AP's US History: Important American Documents (I Made Up).</a>

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The eclipse and earthquake are omens! Portents are all around!

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