The Post ruins April Fools’ Day, 2023 edition

As a public service, we are debunking every brand- or celebrity-related April Fools’ prank we can find today in the hopes that no one is tricked against their will. Please read and commit to memory:

• The Rijksmuseum has not installed a children’s ball pit in its Rembrandt gallery.
• George Takei has not been cast in an “Everything Everywhere All at Once” sequel called “Nothing, Nowhere, Not at All.”
• Tinder is not banning photos of singles holding fish.
• Pennsylvania is not sawing off New Jersey so it can have a shoreline.
• The Columbus, Ohio, public library does not have “a large boat filled with books that goes up and down the river.”
• The Smithsonian’s National Zoo did not recreate the ancient gylptodon.
• Stouffer’s did not rename its chicken enchiladas “ladas” in a ploy for Gen Z customers.

April Fools’ Day is a garbage holiday. Here is its terrible history.

• Glenlivet does not sell “the finest boxed whisky to ever grace the shores of whatever land mass you live on.”
• Subaru is not entering the granola business with “the closest thing you’ll find to eating compost for breakfast.”
• The Pittsburgh Steelers have not signed Calvin Broadus Jr. — a.k.a. Snoop Dogg — to play wide receiver.
• D.C.'s Arena Stage did not name a corgi named Pickles to its leadership team.
• The Chicago Botanic Garden has not installed a “smart garden” with “emergent plants.”
• GasBuddy is not introducing a signature fragrance called Pump No. 5.
• Archaeologists have not unearthed a book of dad jokes from ancient Rome called “Liber Patavinus.” (Shame on you, NPR.)
• Fiat USA is not selling cars with a pasta maker installed in the console.
• The Panera Bread Breadbowl Hot Tub is not real.
• Ocean Spray is not introducing jellied cranberry sauce condiment packets.
• Camp Chef is not introducing a kit for making candles out of grease drippings.
• Ikea is not using a magic mushroom lamp to enlarge all its kids’ furniture so grown-ups can sit on it.
• TrueCar is not introducing an AI car-buying technology called CarGPT.
• The anti-virus company Malwarebytes doesn’t have an app that identifies creepy dolls and “toilets with threatening auras.”
• Lego doesn’t make whatever this is.
• Major League Soccer’s Colorado Rapids will not be wearing a buckskin fringe uniform.
• The XFL’s St. Louis Battlehawks aren’t moving to Los Angeles (like the NFL’s Rams did).
• Williams and Amherst Colleges are not merging into Wamherst.
• The University Musical Society at the University of Michigan is not launching a chatbot called Cleffy, though the image is now burned into our eyes.

• You can’t buy bad seatmate plane insurance.
• You can’t buy zip-on skis.
• You can’t buy sticky Tieks.
• You can’t buy car seat covers laced with caffeine.
• You can’t buy an 18.7 pound solid-steel coffee mug.
• You can’t buy a violin bow strung with your own hair. (Could probably make one though.)
• You can’t buy square doughnut holes from Tim Hortons.
• You can’t buy square cheese things from Babybel.
• You can’t buy bean-and-toast flavored tea.
• You can’t lick a package of frozen broccoli florets to taste before you buy.
• You can’t buy a shirt with a special pocket for pizza slices.
• You can’t buy an alarm clock that wakes you up to the sound of power tools.
• You can’t buy a bamboo fly rod. (Correction: Actually you can, but you can’t grow one? We’re not fisher people; this one’s a little over our heads.)
• You can’t buy Peet’s Coffee perfume.
• You can’t buy carrot and parsnip perfume.
• You can’t buy Gibson guitar cologne.
• You can’t buy a Spam candle.
• You can’t get married at Chuck E. Cheese. (Well, you can, but that’s on you.)

A brief, totally sincere history of April Fools’ Day

• Amtrak trains do not have a new “loud car.”
• Delaware is not building a 100-foot statue of Aubrey Plaza’s character from “Parks and Recreation.”
• Duke quarterback Riley Leonard is not joining the Blue Devils basketball team as a two-sport athlete.
• Eco-friendly clothing brand Toad & Co. is not creating an alternative milk called Toad Mylk.
• King Arthur Baking is not introducing a perfume called King Arthur Fleur (with the tagline “The only perfume you knead”.)
• The Washington D.C. transit authority has not launched a blimp.
• The National Park Service did not regenerate the cherry tree George Washington cut down. (He didn’t even really cut it down.)
• Trailforks, an online database of mountain bike trails, has not released a Tinder app that sexualizes the trails.
• Netflix is not launching a three-season documentary on Fort George Brewery in Astoria, Oreg.
• The Eiffel Tower is not installing the world’s tallest slide.

• Researchers at England’s University of Stratford have not discovered Shakespeare-writing monkeys.
• Emory University is not offering a Bachelor of Science in Mascot Arts.
• England’s University of Gloucestershire is not offering a degree in “cheese rolling sciences.”
• UVA is not removing the superfluous 'A' from its name.
• Congress is not going to set song length limits on Go-go concerts in D.C.
• Signature Theatre in Arlington, Va., is not producing “The Cows: A Moo-sical.”
• Victor Wembanyama, the consensus No. 1 pick in the upcoming NBA draft, is not opting out of the draft and staying in France. (We think? He hasn’t confirmed it’s a joke, but that just seems like commitment to the bit.)
• The shoe company Saucony is not rebranding itself Sock-A-Knee so people will stop mispronouncing it.
• Duolingo did not produce a reality hookup show where no one speaks the same language, though we’d actually watch if they did.
• The Bureau of Land Management’s Oregon-Washington division did not bring camelops back from extinction.
• An airline based in Yukon, Canada, is not using dog sled teams to tow its Boeing 737s around.
• Life inTents is not offering “Runway Glamping” reservations at Eugene Airport in Oregon.
• Obviously there are no giant squirrels in Zion National Park.

• Puyallup, Wash., does not have a police camel named Carl “to help us overcome humps and challenges.”
• Tiff’s Treats does not sell milk- and cookie-infused vodka cocktails.
• The British Museum has not offered Greece an “exclusive NFT” of the Parthenon Marbles in lieu of repatriation.
• Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are not releasing a video game called “Megxit: Call of Duke-y.” (Note: The Sun is responsible for this deception; not the royal couple.)
• Merriam-Webster is not releasing new dictionary editions such as “Words You Hate,” “ALL CAPS” and “Just Curse Words.”
• Hartz has not developed a sneaker that freshens dogs’ breath.
• Minecraft has not replaced its gameplay with elections.
• Razer does not make gaming mice with razor blades in them.
• Sonic the Hedgehog has not been murdered.
• Jackbox Games have not introduced a mobile device called JackBlock that can’t receive calls and comes with “automatic email-deleting technology.”
• WeRateDogs did not rate two Rainbow Dalmatians with red, blue and yellow spots.
• McDonald’s is not introducing McNugget boots in the United Kingdom.
• KFC is not introducing a Quadruple Double Down sandwich with eight fried chicken filets.
• You can’t buy corn-cob-crust-pizza in South Korea.
• A bakery in England is not introducing a pork pie-scented candle.
• Outdoor retailer Moosejaw is not adding a “Double or Nothing” button to its online checkout.
• Rick Astley is not dedicating the next decade of his life to kittens.
• “Women Talking” writer and director Sarah Polley does not have to return her Academy Award. (Why would her child do this to her?)

This list was updated throughout the day with additional April Fools’ Day crimes. See you next year.