For The Washington Post

Illustration of a woman in a garden of many enormous flowers. The woman has picked a simple small flower from the garden and is smiling.

That’ll do — why ‘good enough’ decisions can be healthier for you

An illustration of a brain with varrying patterns from left to right including a regular brain, jagged shapes, dots, lines, and a more saturated colorful brain. 

wb-brainmatters-menopause

The Washington Post

As Mother’s Day approaches...How keeping journals for my kids kept my mother’s spirit alive for me

A man died in front of me. A year later, I’m still recovering.

High School Students

Contributor

An illustration of a person cleaning a table with cleaning supplies. Their head is a misshapen technicolored bubble, with smaller bubbles floating around them.

wb-brainmatters chemicals

Some 11 percent of U.S. children have been diagnosed with ADHD

Tabitha Brown In Conversation 

An illustration of a person happily floating under blue water.

wb-brainmatters float tank

How feeling envy helped me in life — mostly

An illustration of a man reading a book on a park bench, smiling. In the background someone is flying a kite, and another person is playing the guitar.

wb-comic-JOMO

ketaminediary

An illustration of a man sitting on a bed, with his back to the screen raising his arms. A sliver of light comes through the door. 

wb-brainmatters-dreamacts

hescan0319

iStock

other

An illustration of a woman lighting a candle in a dark room. Next to her there is also a lantern and a lamp.

wb-onyourmind not everyone needs therapy

Boys struggle with eating disorders. This best-selling author did too.

An illustration of a colorful bird on a branch. Next to it there is an empty bird-shaped hole in the branches, with the moon where the eye of the missing bird would be.

wb-onyourmind-grief

An illustration of a giant spoon holding a pile of colorful pills. A small man stands looking up at it.

wb-brainmatters- deperscribing

Multiracial women doing yoga exercise with social distance for coronavirus outbreak at park outdoor - Healthy lifestyle and sport concept

stock

An illustration of a woman climbing a ladder, looking down over her shoulder with some trepidation. 

wb-onyourmind-thriversguiilt

Respond to prefers-color-scheme dark in app web views

Follow section front redirects in Spectrum

Enable NLP source in PCS for load testing

Switch off the News Alerts Survey Widget when we have enough responses

Poll to determine if new LUF updates are available

Allows the winning A/B test variant to be turned on without Spectrum deployment

Show infinite scrolling sections in Assembler MultiView

Show option for NLP article summaries in Action Bar

Show NLP summaries collection recirc on article pages

A general feature flag for Recipe Features that aren't yet released

Feature flag for media team features that aren't yet released

Use new Orca video player for preroll plugin in Spectrum

Show the snow tracker (instead of the heat tracker) on Spectrum

How Trump’s allies amplify his Truth Social messages to the wider world

In photos: The scene after a deadly tornado strikes Oklahoma

Fashion previews, protests, parties: The scene surrounding the Met Gala

Commerce Department revokes more export licenses to China’s Huawei

Middle East conflict live updates: Israel says it has reopened key aid crossing; U.S. paused bomb shipments to Israel

U.S. signals optimism for Gaza cease-fire as Israel moves into Rafah 

Substack courts TikTokers with new ‘creators’ program

Indiana primary updates: Mike Braun wins Republican governor race

Nats go over .500 the hard way by beating the O’s and Corbin Burnes

A look at what has changed since the Nationals were last above .500

Baseball can crush rookies. Why hasn’t it crushed Trey Lipscomb?

RFK Jr’s ‘history lesson’ on Russia’s invasion of Ukraine flunks the fact test

No, posting is not better political activism than talking to voters

The legal — and political — stakes of Stormy Daniels on the stand

The FTC’s noncompete clause rule goes too far

The next global crisis could come from the sun. We should prepare now.

Russia is using toxic chemical weapons, wrecking a ban it helped create

Carolyn Hax: Family pushes siblings to ‘make amends’ after their mother’s death

Miss Manners: I’m offended by a golfer’s skirt choice

Ask Amy: I want to be closer with my brother. He never reaches out to me.

Indy Star bars columnist from Caitlin Clark’s games after awkward exchange

The Washington Post wins three Pulitzer Prizes

The Trump-Biden battle over the 2017 tax cut

That time football legend, rig-driving eligible bachelor Biden was arrested

Postal worker finds WWII-era letters, drives 5 hours to deliver them

Strangers help Sesame Street puppeteer after heirloom necklace was stolen

Teen grabs wheel when driver passes out and school bus veers into traffic

France tries to shed its rude reputation ahead of the Olympics

Don’t be a jerk at the airport: A guide for headphones

The new cure-all for vacation excess: the IV drip 

US-VOTE-POLITICS-ECONOMY-BIDEN

An illustration of a woman in a bird cage that is covered with a sheet. She is lifting up the sheet to look outside where the sun is shining. 

Many of us differ on what counts as <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/01/10/misuse-gaslighting-trauma-narcissism/" target="_blank">gaslighting</a> — the form of emotional abuse and manipulation in which one person attempts to bend the reality of another. In gaslighting, the target is left feeling confused or even insane, as exquisitely dramatized in the 1944 movie “Gaslight.”

Gaslighting was Merriam-Webster’s <a href="https://www.merriam-webster.com/wordplay/word-of-the-year-2022" target="_blank">Word of the Year in 2022</a>, with a 1,740 percent increase in the number of times it was searched. The term’s increased popularity has raised awareness of its effect on our <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/07/21/gaslighting-families-emotional-abuse-identify-prevent/" target="_blank">relationships</a> and has prompted confusion over what constitutes gaslighting.

Many disagreements come down to severity: Either someone’s behavior appears too abusive or not abusive enough to be gaslighting. As psychologists, we have heard versions of these different understandings of gaslighting from our patients:

“She’s looking out for me. It’s not gaslighting.”

“This relationship is beyond gaslighting; it’s straight-up abuse.”

<a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/newsletters/well-being/?method=SURL&location=ART&initiative=CONTEXT" target=_blank>Sign up for the Well+Being newsletter</a>, your source of expert advice to help you live well.

Working with James Floman, our colleague at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, we identified five factors that contribute to the severity of a gaslighting experience: frequency, intensity, extensiveness, intentionality (not all gaslighting is conscious) and the victim’s ability to handle adversity.

These factors also inform the severity of the gaslighting, as well as its effect on the target. These effects can start as disbelief and progress to defense and depression. Here’s how to cope with three levels of gaslighting.

How to identify it: Gaslighting often starts slow and is nearly imperceptible. The gaslighter will make occasional critical statements. The spouse of one of our patients told him, “I figured you would lose the keys again. That’s you lately — always losing things. You should really get it together.”

The boss of another patient told her, “Sorry you can’t take a joke. You have no sense of humor.” Often, the victim will perceive these statements as ridiculous or a minor annoyance and mostly ignore them. But the seed is planted if a gaslighter persists and triggers self-doubt.

How to deal with it: Write down a list of things you know to be true. Get support from trusted friends and family — sharing how it feels to be around the gaslighter can provide grounding perspective. Tell the gaslighter you don’t like the way they speak to you or the way they are twisting things.

How to identify it: The gaslighter’s language is more accusatory, frequent and intense. The gaslighter will bring in what they say is evidence to confirm what they are insisting. For instance, a gaslighter told one of our patients, “You’re always missing deadlines and blaming it on someone else. Hard to admit you’re unreliable, isn’t it?”

The target will feel the need to defend themselves and get the gaslighter’s approval. They will ruminate about their interactions and wonder, “What is happening? Are they right? Maybe I am doing something wrong.”

How to deal with it: Opt out of the power struggle or the endless back-and-forth with a gaslighter. Do not attempt to negotiate; remember that a gaslighter’s permission to walk away is not required. Phrases such as “We’ll have to disagree,” “I hear you, and I don’t agree,” or “I know you feel strongly about this, but I am not going to continue this conversation” may help you disengage. If it continues, consider ways to limit or get support to end the relationship.

How to identify it: Now, a gaslighter’s attacks feel inescapable as the verbal assaults continue. One of our patients was told by a colleague, “You never bother to remember anything. You can’t seem to hold a thought in your head. You really don’t care about your job or our company, do you?”

Another was told by her husband, “You don’t know where I was last night? Come on. You’re a paranoid wreck — just like your mother.”

Targets of gaslighting feel like they are no longer the same person as when they entered the relationship. Any sense of personal agency is gone, and the gaslighter’s needs are prioritized over their own. They have lost themselves.

How to deal with it: Remember life does not have to be like this. If the gaslighter cannot be avoided (for example, a colleague or partner), then limit contact and set clear boundaries. It can be psychologically excruciating to stay with a gaslighter yet simultaneously painful to think about leaving. While not a cure, adopting a <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/01/23/mindfulness-meditation-anxiety-medication/" target=_blank>mindfulness practice</a> to cultivate <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2024/01/06/self-compassion-tips-empathy-gratitude-brain/" target=_blank>self-compassion</a> can help you navigate severe gaslighting.

Resist the urge to isolate, and pursue opportunities to connect and share feelings with a support system. The perspective of trusted individuals can offer a necessary wake-up call to name what is happening. No one deserves the soul-destroying effects of extreme gaslighting. Gaslighting is abuse. Do not wait for a moment that finally feels good enough (or bad enough) to leave. Call on friends and family for support and healthy connection.

If you think gaslighting may be present in your relationship, check for the following red flags:

I often feel confused and crazy in this relationship.

I have trouble walking away from a conversation when this person accuses me of something I didn’t do or being someone I’m not.

I avoid talking about this person with others.

I feel anxious and “not enough” with this person.

I am not the same person I was when I entered the relationship.

We are all deserving of respectful, compassionate and loving relationships. You are no exception.

Robin Stern, PhD, is the co-founder and senior adviser to the director of the <a href="https://medicine.yale.edu/childstudy/services/community-and-schools-programs/center-for-emotional-intelligence/" target=_blank>Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence</a>, a psychoanalyst in private practice, the author of “<a href="https://nam12.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Famzn.to%2F3N3qEqz&data=05%7C01%7Crobin.stern%40yale.edu%7Ccf7f2e7fbab6498b0d4208db896ba362%7Cdd8cbebb21394df8b4114e3e87abeb5c%7C0%7C0%7C638254867636762584%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C3000%7C%7C%7C&sdata=AsK7bfsbvhUWy3Wvqw7nOmJhOAkZnUoBwgLKHlgblXM%3D&reserved=0" target=_blank>The Gaslight Effect Recovery Guide</a>” and the host of <a href="https://robinstern.com/" target=_blank>“The Gaslight Effect” podcast.</a>

Marc Brackett, PhD, is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale, lead developer of <a href="http://www.rulerapproach.org/" target=_blank>RULER</a>, an evidence-based approach to social and emotional learning, and the author of “<a href="https://nam12.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Famzn.to%2F3ILdBYj&data=05%7C01%7Crobin.stern%40yale.edu%7Ccf7f2e7fbab6498b0d4208db896ba362%7Cdd8cbebb21394df8b4114e3e87abeb5c%7C0%7C0%7C638254867636762584%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C3000%7C%7C%7C&sdata=zgYkT9eEHXqxI1LanrGvcMj8ErYpDVKICIFFSDDgr1c%3D&reserved=0" target=_blank>Permission to Feel</a>.”

We welcome your comments on this column at <a href="mailto:OnYourMind@washpost.com">OnYourMind@washpost.com</a>.

Robin Stern

Marc Brackett

3 levels of gaslighting and how to deal with them

the-washington-post

Celia Jacobs for The Washington Post

wb-onyourmind-gaslighting

Food

Fitness

Mind

Body

Life

Well+Being

washpost

Well+Being Mind

Well+Being: Mental Health

Stories about mental health, meditation, mindfulness and brain health from The Washington Post’s Well+Being section.

Well+Being from The Washington Post covers healthy living, including nutrition, fitness, mental health, relationships, chronic illness and disability.