A collage with an iPhone in a monster truck.

The Washington Post

0507-tf-iPad

A collage with an image of a person on TikTok

0423-help-TIKTOKUSERS

A person listening to headphones, meditating and holding a camera.

0503-tf-FunTech

0501-help-MSFTPASSKEYS

Mario jumps out of a phone with a victory #1 foam finger.

0430-TF-AppleCracks

An image of a flapper showing off her hip flask during the Prohibition against alcohol in the 1920s, but the flask has been replaced with a TikTok app.

0426-TF-TikTokQuestions

A no smoking sign at the German airport

iStock

An abstract illustration of a phone with shortcuts.

0418-help-SHORTCUTS-final

For The Washington Post

Goth characters hide in app-shaped holes in a phone.

0416-tf-gothapps

An illustration of a cereal box with internet symbols.

4120-TF-InternetLabels

Kyiv,,Ukraine,-,August,25,,2023:,Engraved,Apple,On,Iphone

ILLUSTRATION

An illustration of the Earth orbiting YouTube

0409-TF-YOUTUBE

Graphics reporter

Shooting the eclipse with your phone

A yellow tote bag with dotted lines showing the contents: a power bar to charge a phone, a solar-powered charger, a compass, a waterproof phone case, a weather radio, and an N95 mask

0719-help-emergencykit

0405-TF-TechHype

help-walkingdesk

0401-help-IOSDUMBPHONE 

0402-TF-EclipsePhones

Respond to prefers-color-scheme dark in app web views

Follow section front redirects in Spectrum

Enable NLP source in PCS for load testing

Switch off the News Alerts Survey Widget when we have enough responses

Poll to determine if new LUF updates are available

Allows the winning A/B test variant to be turned on without Spectrum deployment

Show infinite scrolling sections in Assembler MultiView

Show option for NLP article summaries in Action Bar

Show NLP summaries collection recirc on article pages

A general feature flag for Recipe Features that aren't yet released

Feature flag for media team features that aren't yet released

Use new Orca video player for preroll plugin in Spectrum

Show the snow tracker (instead of the heat tracker) on Spectrum

The next global crisis could come from the sun. We should prepare now.

Under Putin, a militarized new Russia rises to challenge U.S. and the West 

How did we end up with a Biden-Trump matchup again?

Triumphal Putin is inaugurated for fifth term as Russian president 

Middle East conflict live updates: IDF takes control of Rafah border crossing; aid flow halted, official says

Eurovision 2024 is as garish and controversial as ever. Here’s what to know.

Defense think tank MITRE to build AI supercomputer with Nvidia 

After big weekend in Palm Beach, Trump returns to N.Y. courtroom

Improper ‘shadow’ ads thriving on Facebook during India’s election

Kristi Noem’s increasingly bizarre Kim Jong Un story

Trump mocks Sen. Tester’s weight, hints at a Mont. campaign appearance

Miss Manners: Greeting a non-parent on Mother’s or Father’s Day 

Carolyn Hax: Husband admits to one-night stand, wants spouse to ‘let it go’

Ask Amy: I’ve lied about being a Vietnam War veteran for 50 years

Strangers help Sesame Street puppeteer after heirloom necklace was stolen

Teen grabs wheel when driver passes out and school bus veers into traffic

Cat climbed into Amazon return box, found alive 630 miles away

Read the Pulitzer Prize-winning ‘Annals of Autocracy’ editorial series

Russia is using toxic chemical weapons, wrecking a ban it helped create

Don’t be a jerk at the airport: A guide for headphones

The new cure-all for vacation excess: the IV drip 

You asked: Do I need a passport for my cruise?

Book excerpt: The admiral who had a mental breakdown over Fat Leonard

A guide to the 2024 Alexandria Democratic primary election 

Baseball can crush rookies. Why hasn’t it crushed Trey Lipscomb?

Eddie Rosario and Co. lead the Nats to an MLB-best 12th comeback win

CJ Abrams keeps getting better. It’s time to think about an extension.

President Joe Biden White House Cinco de Mayo Reception

Big Tech news and how to take control of your data and devices

See more coverage in your recommendations

Technology

Tips delivered to your inbox twice weekly

The Tech Friend newsletter

Business and Tech alerts

1960s-style drawing of a man on the phone beside a woman using her phone to Facetime, or video call.

Phone calls have been around for 147 years, the iPhone 16 years and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/09/18/ios-17-iphone-upgrade-features/" target=_blank>FaceTime video voice mails</a> about a week.

Not surprisingly, how we make calls has changed drastically alongside advances in technology. Now people can have conversations in public on their <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/interactive/2023/best-smartwatch-quiz-apple-android/" target=_blank>smartwatches</a>, see voice mails transcribed in real time and dial internationally midday without stressing about the cost.

The phone norms also change quickly, causing some people to feel left behind or confused. The unwritten rules of chatting on the phone differ wildly between generations, leading to misunderstandings and frustration on all sides.

We spoke to an etiquette expert and people of all ages about their own phone pet peeves to come up with the following guidance to help everyone navigate phone calls in 2023.

These will vary depending on your relationship, your age and the context of the call. The closer you are to someone, the less the rules apply. Go ahead, FaceTime your mom with no warning while brushing your teeth.

thenewreset

Practical tips and smart solutions for your health, technology, travel, food, money, home and more. Elevate your daily life with expertise from The Washington Post. <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/experts-for-every-day/" target=_blank>Find it all here</a>.

Monica Rodman

Voice mails are an artifact of the days before text messages. If you have information that needs to be communicated in an accurate, timely manner, you’re far better off putting it into writing as a text or email. Most phones transcribe voice mails now, so chances are people aren’t even listening to what you said but reading a (possibly incorrect) text version instead.

The exceptions for the no-voice-mail rule are calling people who would love to hear your voice no matter what you’re saying, or sharing some kind of audio experience. Think besties and immediate family members singing happy birthday, a dispatch from friends at a Taylor Swift concert or a simple “I love you.”

If you have a long juicy story you want to tell, consider sending it in a voice memo instead. It’s the best medium for a monologue.

Calling someone without warning can feel stressful to the recipient. Instead, text them ahead of time to ask if they’re free to talk now, if they can call you when they’re free, or if they can pick a time they’d like to chat. If it’s someone you call regularly, find out what their ideal times are, like after work or only on Sunday afternoons.

Wording and context are key for these pre-call texts. A simple “call me” text can feel urgent and make someone think there’s an emergency. Clarify if it’s urgent or just to catch up. If it’s about a specific topic, mention in the text what it is you’d like to talk about so they can be prepared.

These steps are especially necessary for video calls. Catching someone on video at an unexpected time can be embarrassing for all involved. You should almost never start a FaceTime or other video call without warning.

Worried about texting etiquette? <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/texting-etiquette-101-rules/" target="_blank">We’ve got you covered there too.</a>

The responsibility isn’t only on the person dialing. Just because someone is calling you out of the blue does not mean you have to pick up. If you’re in a restaurant, using the bathroom or in a meeting, mute the call and get back to them at a convenient time.

“We all have control of our phones and can decide if it’s the right time to answer it,” said Lizzie Post, etiquette expert and<b> </b>co-president at the Emily Post Institute. “If someone interrupts you and you’re ticked off about it, guess whose fault that is? You’re the one who answered the call when you shouldn’t.”

To be even more polite, send them a text. Smartphones will let you send an automated text response when you can’t answer, which is handy if you want to tell them you can text but not talk or will get back to them soon. Consider adding a custom reply in settings or typing something fresh each time. The default texts can sometimes feel a little brusque.

Emotions are for voice, facts are for text

Many things don’t need to be a phone call at all. When you’re trying to decide on the best method of communication, consider what it is you want to say.

Anything requiring nuance like opinions or emotional matters are best done over the phone, including arguments, catching up or connecting on a personal level. Factual updates, coordinating plans or anything that is more cut and dried often work best in writing. If something is complicated and will drag on too long as a text chain, go ahead and ask if they can talk.

“Nobody has a good fight via text message,” says Post. “I get that sometimes it feels better to fight via text because you’re not actually confronting the person, but you get through it a lot faster on the phone.”

If someone doesn’t answer your call, do not hang up and immediately call them again. If they have not responded to your text about the call they missed, do not send them an email about it. If it <i>is</i> an emergency, clearly state that right away in a text message.

Voice mails are dead. Long live the video voice mail. Apple recently introduced a new feature in its iOS 17 update that lets you leave a video message when someone doesn’t answer your FaceTime call. It’s silly and fun and should be used that way, but keep in mind not everyone will find them delightful. Our own Shira Ovide is prepared to unfriend anyone who leaves her a FaceTime voice mail (FaceMail?).

Video calls on FaceTime, Google Meet, Zoom or Skype should get your full attention. Prop your phone up someplace so that your full face fills the screen, not just your forehead and nose, and stay put until the call is over. When people, especially kids, move around during a video call, it can be disorienting for the person on the other end. If you want to wander around and do chores while talking, switch to a voice call.

While many people (myself included) love eavesdropping on strangers’ gossip, it’s generally considered bad form to use speakerphone in public. Whether it’s a regular call, video call or smartwatch call, use headphones or save it for later. Headphones only solve half of the problem, however, as people still have to hear your side of the conversation. If you’re in a crowded area, like an office or store, be aware of other people’s personal space and your own volume.

Video calls in public are also a sensitive issue. There are strangers around you who did not consent to being on camera, and they might also see something they’re not supposed to on your screen. Frame your shots accordingly.

Apple also added a new call screening feature in iOS 17 that will transcribe a voice mail in real time, meaning you can decide while they’re talking to answer the phone. For anyone old enough to have owned an answering machine, this is a delightful throwback. Use this feature to avoid scam calls from unknown numbers instead of answering them all out of curiosity.

The feature is still new so we’ll have to see how people feel about being ignored unless they have something worthwhile to say.

Phone calls aren’t dead! While hopping on the phone may be less common or involve more planning than it used to, it’s still a wonderful way to communicate. Talking to a person in real time can strengthen relationships, improve mental health and <a href="https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/04/11/technology-loneliness-role/" target=_blank>lessen loneliness.</a>

New York University, BA in journalism

Heather Kelly is a San Francisco-based reporter covering the ways technology affects everyday life. 

Heather Kelly

washpost

Phone call etiquette: Rules for calling, texting and leaving voice mails 

the-washington-post

Emma Kumer/The Washington Post; iStock

0925-help-phoneetiquette

Tech in Your Life

Future of Work

Your Data and Privacy

Internet Access

What's New

Ethical Issues

Ask a Question

Help Desk

prism://prism.query/site,/technology/consumer-tech/tech-your-life&limit=20

prism://prism.query/site,/technology/consumer-tech&limit=20

Tech is not your friend. We are. Sign up for The Tech Friend newsletter.

prism://prism.query/two-sites,/technology,/politics/powerpost/the-technology-202?limit=20