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Rodale Books

At the start of health and wellness class, one of my students blurted out, “Can we just skip it?” He wasn’t talking about the class; he wanted to skip puberty.

As a school counselor, I know the mere mention of puberty can elicit a range of emotions, from fear to embarrassment to excitement. Kids want reliable information, but that doesn’t mean they find it comfortable to receive it. 

Parents can feel equally uncomfortable broaching the topic, so I spoke to pediatrician Cara Natterson and puberty educator Vanessa Kroll Bennett, co-authors of the new book, “<a href="https://amzn.to/3rPEPI0" target=_blank>This Is So Awkward: Modern Puberty Explained,</a>" about the best ways to bridge the generational divide.

Q: You write that puberty is different than it was for past generations. What’s changed?

CN: Puberty starts on average two or three years earlier than in previous generations. The average age of onset is 8 or 9 for girls and 9 or 10 for boys. That throws people for a loop because they look at kids who look older than they are and have trouble reconciling what’s going on. But puberty isn’t going any faster. If you take the first period as the middle marker of puberty, the average age has only shifted by a couple of months, so it’s also lasting much longer.

VKB: Technology is another biggie — having a special little machine in your pocket that lets you talk to your friends and play games all day long. People worry about TikTok or Snapchat, but we always say the sixth-grade group chat is the most insidious of all technological platforms.

It’s like what used to happen at recess now happens in the sixth-grade group chat. And as they get older, the technology becomes even more complex and more fraught — sexting, nudes and safety become increasingly important topics to discuss.

Q: You write about the importance of treating kids as the age they are, not the age they look. Why?

VKB: You don’t want to treat an 11-year-old girl who looks 15 like a 15-year-old. Early blooming girls are at a higher risk for predation, earlier sexual activity, and drug and alcohol abuse because they look older. Acknowledge, “Hey kiddo, people might treat you like you’re older, so let’s come up with some language to remind them how old you are.” That sounds simple, but it’s such a critical tool to help them advocate for themselves when they’re in an uncomfortable situation.

They [still] have an 11-year-old’s brain and ability to process complex information. The flip side — and this is true for the late bloomers — the shame involved for a 13-year-old boy who looks 10 and someone treats them like a 10-year-old is also super devastating.

Q: I met with a boy who was beating himself up because he wasn’t as strong as a classmate who already had gone through puberty and was much bigger. As adolescents mature at different rates, that has implications for sports, especially with more kids playing a single sport year-round. What are your thoughts on specialization?

CN: There’s tremendous downward pressure to specialize in sports, and the data is very clear that kids are getting injuries that used to be the purview of adults. This is a direct result of overuse injury, and it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to know where this came from.

It’s the ratcheting up of pre-professionalization of sports, and it’s largely driven by the college process.

We wrote about this in a book about puberty because the hormones of puberty put kids at risk for certain injuries that we wouldn’t see otherwise when the tendons and ligaments aren’t soaked in quite as many hormones.

Q: So what should parents do to protect kids?

CN: There’s this push and pull around sports that is complicated during the tween and teen years. At a certain point, if what fills this kid up and keeps them safe … is to play five, six games a week, it feels a bit like an impossible choice.

I have been on this bandwagon of “do not specialize in sports,” and here I am with a single-sport athlete — my own son is a rower. It’s not as simple a choice as I made in years past when I had my pediatrician hat on. [But] there are lots of things that we can do to protect kids, the biggest one being cross-training.

Q: At the beginning of the book, you share some shocking facts about puberty. What most surprised you?

CN: The age when kids are first porn-exposed. According to a new <a href="https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/teens-and-pornography" target=_blank>Common Sense Media survey</a>, half of all 12-year-olds and 15 percent of all 10-year-olds have been porn-exposed. All it takes is access to a digital platform and curiosity. Sometimes it finds them.

It makes us sad because you’re talking about writing a sexual narrative for a kid who probably hasn’t even had their first kiss. The first thing parents can do is start to talk about it. It’s never too early and it’s never too late. 

We’re big believers in defining terms — what sex is, what porn is — in non-shaming, nonjudgmental ways. Say, “This is why I’m concerned, and I hope you will tell me when you see this so we can talk about it.” Not if but when.

VKB: So many kids say, “We’re just looking for information,” usually about their bodies or other people’s bodies. That tells us we need to get to kids sooner and do a better job giving them information that they’re curious about.

Q: How can we help kids who struggle with executive functioning or decision-making skills?

CN: You get the classic, “My kid will sit at the dinner table and tell me the right answer to what they’d do in a peer pressure situation, and then when they’re in that situation they do the opposite.” It’s not that they lack executive functioning skills; it’s that they lack the ability to send and receive messages efficiently to the prefrontal cortex. By definition, they lack the hardwiring.

Parents might say, “There’s always one kid who makes the right decision.” That kid is just giving their brain time to send signals all around so the emotional, risk-taking part of the brain doesn’t seem to dominate. They’re waiting — that’s it. Convince kids to count to 10 or take three deep breaths to allow time for the signal to get to the prefrontal cortex.

Q: You point out that adults can’t let their own agendas drive their kids’ friendships. Can you expand on that?

VKB: Our own adolescent experiences are in deeper grooves in our brains than anything else. I can’t remember what I did last week, but I remember what that girl said to me about my outfit on a Wednesday in seventh grade.

We have to let our kids write their own narrative. So the first is to leave your baggage at the door. The second thing is friendships change and it’s normal and okay. If we cling to the idea that their best friend from kindergarten will be the best man at their wedding, that doesn’t allow them to experiment.

When kids are on different puberty timelines, some are interested in crushes and others are more interested in playing with dolls. Sometimes one looks 16 and one looks 10 and they stay the best of friends, but oftentimes there’s a schism, and that can feel really lonely for kids left behind.

Help them build new relationships and pursue other friendships. You can’t force two kids to be friends.

Q: You explain that kids drift apart because they become “less interesting” to one another. I like that framing, which feels less threatening than saying they “stop liking” each other.

VKB: It depersonalizes it. [A parent] might think, “That other kid is mean,” or wonder, “Is something wrong with my kid?” If we’re worried about who our kid is or who they’re becoming, it’s important to recognize that internal monologue.

CN: Parents who think that two kids have gone different ways because they don’t like one another immediately ascribe judgment. Sometimes they’ve just moved on. Sometimes it can look a little like a figure-eight; they can move on and find each other again.

Friendship almost never comes up in the puberty context, but as hormones rise and fall and kids are impacted, it impacts their friendships. And if puberty starts earlier, the impact of it on their friendships starts earlier.

When we were growing up drama started in fifth or sixth grade; now teachers will say that drama is starting in third grade and that is directly resulting from earlier onset of puberty.

Q: How should we talk about puberty with kids, especially younger children?

CN: Directly, honestly, scientifically, openly, thoughtfully. With a huge dose of empathy for kids whose emotions and bodies are changing earlier, and with empathy for the late bloomers and for everyone in-between. When you don’t know, find resources — our book, the pediatrician, a school or mental health counselor.

VKB: Our society conflates puberty and sexuality. What you teach fourth-graders in sex ed is not what you teach 12th-graders. Conversations with an 8-year-old are about correct anatomical terminology for body parts, understanding consent and respect for your own physical bodies, and normalizing that our bodies are changing throughout the course of our lives. This is not the talk; it’s many, many talks over many years.

<a href="https://urldefense.com/v3/__https:/phyllisfagell.com/__;!!M9LbjjnYNg9jBDflsQ!C1YifucHCzKCoqvAiWchHYZLYrQsvCAHI_gwsF7-NLQOaP0l_0sfN1klzRq3ZUKTtLR-a_0fpTfd7R6nsM0$" target=_blank>Phyllis L. Fagell</a> is a school counselor, a clinical professional counselor at the Chrysalis Group, and the author of “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Middle-School-Superpowers-Resilient-Turbulent/dp/0306829754?adgrpid=1345803957279582&hvadid=84113033319640&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=51528&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-84113800920332:loc-190&hydadcr=20668_13295077&keywords=middle+school+superpowers&qid=1689811678&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=thewaspos09-20&linkId=7adf0321d03402b9a279b678bd59b844&language=en_US&ref_=as_li_ss_tl" target=_blank>Middle School Superpowers: Raising Resilient Tweens in Turbulent Times</a>” and “<a href="https://www.amazon.com/Middle-School-Matters-Beyond-Parents/dp/0738235083/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3AGD5PNAN6ZJZ&keywords=middle+school+matters&qid=1697222916&sprefix=middle+school+matters%2Caps%2C87&sr=8-1" target=_blank>Middle School Matters</a>.”

Phyllis L. Fagell

Puberty starts earlier now, but kids’ needs are the same

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