Opinion

Supreme Court: Stop penalizing people who never had to overcome adversity!

Well, now that I, Chief Justice John Roberts, have succeeded in ending affirmative action, it is time to march forward toward a pure meritocracy in which we never deny anyone an additional advantage simply because they already have received a lot of advantages.

Now, we must head into battle against the other insidious forms of discrimination that plague our society — singing “Happy Birthday” to some people and not others, or offering presents only to the birthday boy and not also to all other children, nationwide. Why is Timmy getting a present today and I am not? I demand to receive all the nice things that anyone else is receiving, or it will make Thomas Jefferson cry.