Bad news, schools! Just when you thought you had your finger on all the things that were being subjected to surprise, unwelcome censorship, they spring another censorship on you. This time, it’s high school theater coming under attack — from “The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee” to “Marian, Or The True Tale of Robin Hood” to “August: Osage County.”
The Post reported: “Following a record-setting surge in efforts to change curriculums and ban books at schools nationwide, the education culture war has now reached the stage. The controversy in [Ohio’s Cardinal Local Schools] is one of a number of recent instances in which school administrators have intervened to nix or alter school theatrical productions deemed objectionable — often because they feature LGBTQ characters or deal with issues of race and racism.”
But also when they are “The Addams Family.” (One school board member complained, as reported in The Post, that “The theme of ‘The Addams Family’ is ‘darkness, grief and unspeakable sorrow. … These are not themes that we as a school would permit … so I don’t think we should put it out there.’”)
Now you might be looking at your spring play or musical and worrying: What will my school board say to this? Are they going to shut it down? Don’t worry: I have found their notes! Here they are!
“The Crucible”: Portrays witch hunts as a bad thing. No.
“Legally Blonde”: Courtney is shown as a retail worker whose contract includes the right to a break; this is unacceptable union propaganda.
“Oliver!”: Portrays child labor in a negative light.
“Les Misérables”: A convict such as Jean Valjean should not be voting, let alone serve as mayor. If you want to stage this, Valjean should be returned to prison immediately to serve out the remainder of his sentence, and the rest of the show should be devoted to the heroism of the valorous Javert.
“My Fair Lady”: This can be perceived as a tale of breaking a woman’s spirit — and we love that about it!
“Guys and Dolls”: We like the depiction of someone who has developed “a bad, bad cold” but is not wearing a mask.
“Little Shop of Horrors”: This is fine because it teaches that plants are evil.
“Twelve Angry Men”: Suggestion that an innocent person might fall afoul of the justice system is Democratic propaganda aimed at undermining faith in the judiciary.
“Cinderella”: Cinderella’s stepmother had every right to raise and employ her in a manner of her choosing, and it was not the place of the state to intervene.
“Into the Woods”: Offers a laudable cautionary tale about the perils of engaging in barter economy rather than selling your cow through traditional market-based channels. Love the warning about children listening! Still, can’t help but feel that there is something about it we should be censoring.
“Rent”: There is much to object to in this show about bohemians struggling to love, live and make art amid the AIDS crisis, but fortunately it has given us someone to root for in the figure of their landlord, Benny. Cut everyone else, and let’s see more of this guy!
“Seussical”: Honestly we have no idea what’s going on in this musical and don’t know whether we should censor it or not. Glad to see there is no Lorax.
“A Year With Frog and Toad”: Why are we glorifying amphibious same-sex relationships? This is the very thing Alex Jones warned us about.
“The Phantom of the Opera”: On the one hand, the Phantom is a compelling, charismatic portrait of an incel; on the other hand, he is not paying for the real estate he occupies. Add a line where he says, “And I pay rent monthly!” and it’s fine.
“Frozen”: Correctly implies that climate change is not a problem. No censorship needed!
“Our Town”: Nice to see a woman’s death in childbirth accepted as one of those sad but unavoidable things that sometimes happens! Good to normalize this.
“West Side Story”: Erroneously suggests that hating people who differ from you is bad. And students should not learn about life-ruining acts of gun violence through musicals. They should learn through personal experience thanks to our lax gun laws.
“Hello, Dolly!”: Glorifies waitstaff unnecessarily.
“High School Musical: On Stage!”: You would think that this bland, innocuous Disney production would be acceptable, but it is actually not, because producing a Disney show at this time could be perceived as a veiled attack on Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis.
