MILWAUKEE — If you said, “Would you like to watch Ron DeSantis, Vivek Ramaswamy, Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Doug Burgum, Mike Pence, Asa Hutchinson and Chris Christie talk to each other for two hours? FYI, the place where they’ll do so is hotter than Beelzebub’s armpit!,” I would have said, “No, thank you.” But if you said, “The alternative is watching Donald Trump talk to Tucker Carlson on the website formerly known as Twitter,” I would say, “I can’t wait to hear what Ron, Vivek, Nikki, Tim, Doug, Mike, Asa and Chris have to say!”
Wednesday night’s debate on Fox News raised all kinds of questions. Like: “Why is this happening?” and “Where is Donald Trump?” and “Is it technically a primary debate or more of a secondary debate given the levels where these people are polling?”
Here is approximately how it went.
Bret Baier: Hello. We have brought a bell just because we enjoy the sound of a bell.
Martha MacCallum: Feel free to speak over it; it will give the evening a fun, musical vibe.
Baier: Yes, and speaking of music, candidates, the number one song in America is something called “Rich Men North of Richmond”! Governor DeSantis, introduce yourself by providing a close reading of the subtle lyrics of this song.
DeSantis: Hang on, first I have some prepared remarks! Joe Biden’s basement! Hunter Biden’s paintings! “Rich Men North of Richmond”! Taxes! Florida!
Baier: Chris Christie, why would you be better as president?
Christie: Bret, I have spent the last four years sailing around sharpening my traffic-cone harpoon for my hated foe (from hell’s heart I spit my last breath at him!), and the one question I did not expect was about a scenario where I could actually become president. Uh, I was governor of New Jersey? So, take that for what it’s worth.
Scott: I have come to this debate with some specific numbers at my fingertips! I was told everyone would be excited about specific numbers! If not, I would really like those hours back.
Ramaswamy: Hello! You may be wondering, who is this skinny guy with a funny name? I’m not a politician who is going to offer you a series of prepared, meaningless platitudes. I’m a businessman with no political experience who is going to offer you a series of prepared, meaningless platitudes. Isn’t it time we stopped running away from things and started running toward things? I am not running for president so much as I am running for the title of Favorite Grandson of your Fox News grandmother. Have you ever considered that people don’t love God anymore?
Pence: I have never once considered it.
Baier: Governor Haley, when polled about you, people say, “Who?” and “Huh?” and “The comet?”
Haley: I don’t care about polls! I care about the truth! The truth is that we are spending too much, and our children will never forgive us! I am pretty sure the reason is the debt thing and none of the other things I have ever said, for instance about keeping trans girls out of sports.
Pence: Hello! I am here to recite scripture and keep referring to the Trump-Pence administration, and I’m all out of scripture. That was some Mike Pence humor; I will never be out of scripture! I am unquestionably the best-prepared person in this race, the single individual with the experience that is closest to being the president, with no exceptions that spring to mind. I have been in the hallway. I have been in the White House. Do you like what my administration did with the Supreme Court?
Ramaswamy: Now that we’ve gotten everyone’s prepared remarks out of the way, we can have a real debate.
Pence: Was that one of yours?
Ramaswamy: You think now is the time for incremental reform. I think it is the time for actual revolution.
Pence: Good Lord, no thank you. I do not have any revolutionary proposals. I believe in mild, small, incremental change. Except for a nationwide 15-week ban on abortion, which I want to implement because I promised it to God.
Haley: Let’s be realistic! Women hate hearing this. Let’s just admit that it will never happen. But we’re all going to say we want it to happen! But, ladies, it’s not going to happen.
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Pence: I disagree. I will make it happen.
Haley: I know we all have to say that, but, like, we have to admit it won’t happen or no one will ever vote for us again.
Pence: Hmm.
Baier: Wait! I just remembered we have two more people here!
Burgum: Hi! I just hurt my leg, which you can’t really see on TV but was a big deal for me. I’m from a small town, and I’m so excited to be with all these people!
Hutchinson: It’s fine, I also forgot that I was here!
Baier: Climate change. Here is a young person.
Young Person: Please tell me that anyone on this stage believes in climate change, the only issue I care about because I anticipate living on this planet for at least 60 years. I am starting to get worried. Can we have a show of hands?
DeSantis: No! We are not schoolchildren! We will not raise our hands or acknowledge the existence of science!
Ramaswamy: As the only one on this stage who is not bought and paid for, I have a thought.
Christie: I have had enough of a guy who sounds like ChatGPT and stole his opening gambit from Barack Obama.
I came here to bludgeon Donald Trump verbally, but Trump is not here and I have a lot of verbal bludgeoning built up.
Baier: Governor Haley, are you bought and paid for?
Haley: What an odd question. I will answer it by quoting Margaret Thatcher favorably.
Baier: Why do we have homelessness, drugs and crime?
Pence: Because Democrats talked about defunding the police, and everyone knows that if you say “Defund the police!” into a mirror three times, crime appears. It’s just science, or, as Governor DeSantis and I prefer, religion.
Christie: I disagree. Crime went up because Hunter Biden did it.
Ramaswamy: That is a good point, but in fact crime went up because we have forgotten to have enough hard work and family and faith. We are having a national identity crisis, and I say to this nation what I would say to anyone going through a mental health crisis: THIS IS BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT PATRIOTIC ENOUGH!
Pence: Hush. I despise you. Never say that we are not patriotic enough. During the Trump-Pence administration, I hugged the flag every night, with my wife’s approval. There is an eagle that would be very sad to hear you say that, as would Ronald Reagan, who is an angel now.
Ramaswamy: We live in a dark moment of internal cultural civil war.
Pence: No, we don’t. It is morning again in America, as it never was not.
DeSantis: I fixed all crime in Florida.
Baier: No, you didn’t.
DeSantis: That’s just according to your numbers.
Burgum: No one ever asks about the crime in small towns.
Hutchinson: We should have respect for the rule of law, and that starts at the top. With that fellow, Name.
[Audience gasps! Petals fall from a rose under a glass globe on the debate stage.]
Baier: You did it. You mentioned him. The elephant not in the room. If he’s convicted, would you still support him? Raise your hand.
[Christie gestures.]
MacCallum: Christie, were you raising your hand?
Christie: To OBJECT!
MacCallum: I don’t think anyone on this stage understands the concept of answering questions via a show of hands.
Christie: I’m Chris Christie, and I’m here to say: The time to stop Donald Trump is now! Not any of the other times! Now! This is what passes for courage in the Republican Party!
[Commingled cheers and boos from the audience.]
Ramaswamy: Enough pandering. I’m going to be completely honest and speak from the heart. Donald Trump was the best president of the 21st century.
Christie: You make me laugh.
DeSantis: You would make me laugh, but I have been instructed by my consultants not to laugh because it’s “off-putting” and “gives nightmares.”
MacCallum: Do you believe that Mike Pence did the right thing?
DeSantis: I think we need to end the weaponization of the Justice Department. It’s about Jan. 20, 2025 — I was once Navy SEAL-adjacent, and I learned in my adjacency that you must focus on the mission.
Baier: This is not an answer to the question.
DeSantis: Can we go back to piling on Ramaswamy? Pretend I didn’t say anything.
Ramaswamy: I would pardon Donald Trump.
Pence: May I speak? I was kind of involved. I think Mike Pence did the right thing. I think Mike Pence was a hero. Mike Pence kept the promise he made on Ronald Reagan’s Bible. Ronald Reagan is proud of Mike Pence.
Baier: Should we support Ukraine with more military aid?
Ramaswamy: Absolutely not. I am raising my hand!
Haley: You have no foreign policy experience, and it shows.
Ramaswamy: Have fun on the boards of Lockheed and Raytheon.
Haley: A president must possess the capacity to distinguish between good and evil. I am not saying you lack that, but I’m also not not saying that.
Christie and Pence (cheering, banging their lecterns): Yeah, get him! Take him out!
Christie: Before you get too up on me, I would like to deport every undocumented person.
Baier: Uh, let’s talk about education.
DeSantis: In Florida, we did a good job with education. I’ve learned so many facts! According to something that’s probably a textbook, because I have approved it for classroom use, Ron DeSantis is not only the best governor we’ve ever had, but also the first and the tallest!
Baier: Now for the lightning round, or as we like to call it, the point in the debate when we entirely lose control.
Pence: I hear a bell ringing, but I don’t know why.
MacCallum: Governor Christie, will you level with the American people about UFOs?
Christie: Huh? Sure. Yeah. Why not?
Baier: Well, thanks for a normal evening.
DeSantis: Thank you for not making me talk!
Pence: This was far from the worst time I’ve had at a gathering of Republicans!
