The Washington PostDemocracy Dies in Darkness

Opinion Mike Bloomberg humbles himself before the people

Columnist|
February 20, 2020 at 4:29 p.m. EST
He will submit to this process with patience, and take the buffeting as it comes, for such is the undignified process of ascending to the presidency. (Ed Kosmicki/Reuters)

SALT LAKE CITY — Citizens! Rejoice! There is a buffet! I am here, too, for real, standing at the buffet. Mike Bloomberg has descended from his villa to stand before the people and ask them to give him their voices, and he has prepared a great feast! If you were not sufficiently satisfied with the spectacle he provided you at the debate — it was very generous of him to volunteer to be trapped in a net and fed to a lion — then savor his generosity now, O populace!

Here are four tables heaped with bounty, covered in black cloths! It is barely 9 a.m., and yet here are plump grapes to feast upon, purple and lush and glinting in the blue LED beams that shine upon this event space. Here is cantaloupe and his vile cousin, honeydew, or honeydew and his vile cousin, cantaloupe! Here is toothsome golden pineapple, tart and juicy! Mike (yes, citizen, he asks you to call him simply “Mike,” for he is humbling himself before the people!) has stretched out his hand and there are strawberries for you, O people, in the dead of winter! Such miracles will be commonplace when Bloomberg is tribune! Give him your voices! Are you not, as the music blasting from the speakers proclaims, “HAPPY” (“happy happy happy”) in having such a patron?

G Catering has supplied the finest of pastries! There are cherry-chocolate scones and bacon-cheddar-chive scones and scones with the savor of ripe figs! There is what appears to be pain au chocolat, oozing richly in its box. There is even what a sign advertises as “Mini Kouign Amann." The boxes bear little buttery footprints as the people at the buffet gather these dainties into their hands. When you are asked for your support, remember how this was far better than Turkish delight. And, do not forget, you can get a T-shirt! Or several, to take to your family! You shall feast and then you shall be caparisoned like Jove himself! Mike is a man of the people.

How generous has Mike not been? And how many more spectacles shall he not bestow unto the people? Look, he is here, with his standards and his flags, and six television screens bearing his sigil, and he has brought custom jokes with him, made expressly for you, Salt Lake City, using the finest craftsmanship!

Do not mind about the debate. The debate was to show that he is humbled. He delights to humble himself before the people. “How was your night last night?” he asks. Ha! Citizens, he is like you! He, too, has known embarrassment. And, humiliation upon humiliation, the instrument of this mortification was a mouthy — broad — no, no! He does not use those words anymore, words, as he says, not aligned with his values! Mike wonders whether Brigham Young would have said “this is the place” if he’d seen the construction on I-15! Laugh, citizens! He has noticed where he is and made this joke for you! “A lot of love here from Mike,” as his state director informed the crowd. Citizens, be not ungrateful.

Who fitter to beat Donald Trump, O citizens? Donald Trump probably does not even have a real hippopotamus at his villa. Donald Trump’s fixtures are all of brass! This assuredly is how you ought to judge your new ruler. Running for president is not for plebeians; they will be forced into wine caves at best, or chant for revolution at worst. At their events, there is nothing to feast on but air and hope. Have another grape.

No, no, do not shout and interrupt him. Who is this intruder? Quickly, quickly, chant “Go Mike!” until this interloper is removed. These harsh words are not for Mike’s ears! Citizens, none of this ingratitude, or perhaps there will be only honeydew at the next buffet. No, pile your plate high with pastries. Contemplate your good fortune in having such a benefactor! Remember the words he has so expensively transmitted into your minds: Mike will get it done!

Women’s words cannot hurt him, sealed in a nondisclosure or leveled against him in debate. His campaign will be inclusive, he says. Does it matter what he did in the past? Do not ask about stop-and-frisk. Here is another pastry. Use it to seal your mouth. You have asked enough.

He concludes on a note of humility: “I can’t do it alone! I need your help. I need your support. I need your vote.”

Citizens! Is this not enough? Has he not stood before you and asked nicely? Give him your voices, now! Soon the whole country shall be a purple state, covered in opulent purple! You shall have sweet shrimp from the coast and larks’ tongues and a suckling pig on a golden platter! You shall have bread aplenty and the circus will surely follow.

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