(Click here to skip down to the winning poems featuring words from this year's National Spelling Bee.)
Submit up to 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1498 (no capitals in the Web address). Deadline is Monday, Aug. 1; results appear Aug. 21 in print, Aug. 18 online.
Winner gets the Clowning Achievement, our Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives an adorable woodpecker toy: It’s a little wooden bird that you lift to the top of an 18-inch pole and set in motion as it peck-peck-pecks down to the bottom, fluttering its little feather. It’s really too sweet to be a Loser prize, but Loser Dave Prevar gave it to us.
Other runners-up win their choice of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one of our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Close, but Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders receive only a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). See general contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “For the Rhyme, Beeing” is by Steve Smith; the honorable-mentions subhead was submitted by both Jesse Frankovich and Jeff Rackow. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev; “like” the Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook at bit.ly/inkofday; and follow @StyleInvite on Twitter.
The Style Conversational: The Empress’s weekly online column discusses each new contest and set of results. See this week’s, published late Thursday, July 21, at wapo.st/conv1498.
For the rhyme, beeing: Spelling bee poems from Week 1494
In Week 1494 we once again asked our Loserbards to write poems using words from this year’s National Spelling Bee. Maybe these results will add some variety to Google searches on the words — which in many cases amount to nothing but dictionary listings. (Some of the less arcane ones are from the bee’s vocabulary rounds.)
4th place:
Brose, a Scottish dish made by pouring boiling water over oats When making brose, Miss MacLehose Is apt to add malt whisky. It gives her zest, warms up her chest, And keeps her feeling frisky. Good sense may say don’t start the day By going on a bender. But don’t condemn poor wee Miss M A cereal offender. (Stephen Gold, London, formerly of Scotland)
3rd place:
Toquilla (to-KEY-uh), a leaf fiber used to make panama hats “Where’s my booze?” growled a tourist named Jim As a hat was presented to him. “I am sorry, señor, Did you not ask me for ‘Pure toquilla, right up to the brim’?” (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
2nd place
and the toy bedbug:
Coryza (co-RY-za), a head cold If you think a pandemic is just a coryza Your future’s secure as a MAGA advyza. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:
Chimichurri, a green sauce used in Latin American cuisine A funny-tasting chimichurri taco from a Taco Bell Along a highway in Missouri brought me to E. coli hell: A restroom filled with puking men where not a single stall was free. Does misery love company? So people say, but hey, not me. (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
Bee-sides: Honorable mentions
Brose (II)
While backpacking through Scotland, a rich obnoxious fop
Had run out of his trail mix, so he went into a shop.
The keeper boiled water and he poured it over top
Of plain, unsweetened oatmeal and the tourist flipped his mop.
“What’s this rot supposed to be?” “It’s brose; just let it sop
While you’re hiking; it’ll mix and you can eat it when you stop.”
He bought some and then later, as he choked down every drop,
He learned a brose by any name is still a bag of slop!
(Jon Gearhart, Des Moines)
Brose (III)
Said the Edinburgh witch, “I suppose
Using college boys’ fingers and toes
In my porridge of oats
Adds some tasty grace notes,
And I’ll call it Fraternity Brose.”
(Kevin Dopart)
Pigsney (sweetheart) “Pigsney” was the word the young man used, But his girlfriend thought she’d been abused! Though he meant to say “my darling pet,” Did she misconstrue this word? You bet! If you want her for your valentine, Never choose a term evoking swine! (Beverley Sharp) Psephomancy (divination with pebbles) “Granity-vanity, Seer-phrenologist, Show me a future that Knocks off my socks!” “Looked at your noggin all Psephomance-atically; I have divined that your Head’s full of rocks.” (Duncan Stevens) Psephomancy (II) A bunch of psephomantic seers Who see themselves as modern rebels Break from all their stodgy peers To prophesy with Fruity Pebbles. (Chris Doyle) Favicon, an icon associated with a certain website (After “The Second Coming” by William Butler Yeats) Swiping and swiping on my doom-scrolling feed... The best lack all conviction, while the worst Are full of passionate intensity... A favicon with bird body and the hue of the sky Is spreading its slow lies, while all about it Retweet quotes of their indignant followers... And what rough hashtag, its hour come round at last Slouches towards Buzzfeed to be born? (Donald Norum, Charlottesville, Va.) Rumbustical, boisterous and unruly Rumbustical, the white men roared, and flowed around the barricades, and beat the cops, backing the blue against the walls, to goad Congress to stop the “steal,” pull out the stops, throw out the votes, bend knees, bow down to force: “legitimate political discourse.” (Donald Norum) Splanchnicectomy (splank-ni-kectomy), dissection of intestinal nerves Ballad of the Trump-Excuser Republican He won’t stand up to Trump; on hands he sits. His head is found inside his rectum; he Had guts and nerves once; now they’ve gone to bits. Perhaps he had a splanchnicectomy. (Duncan Stevens)
And Last: Oculogyric, relating to eye-rolling Stylishly smilishly, Wannabe humorists Rattle off entries to Poor progeny, All of whom sigh and say, Oculogyrically, “Inking or not, you’re a Loser to me.” (Coleman Glenn) And Even Laster: Empressement (ahm-press-MONT), demonstrative warmth or cordiality. Many times we call things by their opposite. In this contest, “Loser” comes to mind. If we look hard, are there more examples? Well, how are “empressement” and “Empress Pat” aligned? (Jon Gearhart)
Still running — deadline Monday, Aug. 25: Tell us a what-if scenario and its funny result. See wapo.st/invite1497.
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